Gender Fluid Confusion as a young Teen

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I’ve always been a tom boy. but never thought about my gender overall, but I had some issues and felt i had to change who I was to please the people around me,

From age 6 I was aware of the stereotypical gender rolls I understood the differences between a girl and a boy. But I was very unhappy with being a girl pink was forced on me, I enjoyed getting dirty and playing with swords. I hated wearing dresses and skirts but Im lucky my mum never pushed me to wear clothes I didn’t want to wear.

When I learnt Id start having a period and Id start growing breasts Id have panic attacks family members would comment on my Growing figure and I would gag. I was a skater, Id look and act like a boy I would cover my long blonde hair and wear baggy shirts to cover my chest.

I knew I was into boys very early in life and my tom boy appearance did not help with getting a boyfriend I was a show off I was good at gymnastics Id hope this would Impress the lads but just made them annoyed. My friends always told me that I wasn’t ugly I just needed to wear makeup so that boys would like me. I would borrow my mum’s foundation, she is 4 shades darker than me and I would wear bold black eyeliner on my bottom of my lash line I just looked like a Cheeto.

I fell In love with a boy who told me I was not feminine enough for him that was so upsetting for me to feel like If I wanted a boy to like me I would have to act like a girly girl.

I hate It when men stare at me. I hate wearing a bra. I hate showing my legs and acting cute. Sometimes I wish I could grow a beard and say whatever I want. I am sick of being told that my time is running out that i need to have children and get married.

I don’t like being a grown woman but Being a man doesn’t appeal to me either I just was to be comfortable in my own body I want to be myself. I’m not as stressed out as I was when I was younger I don’t mind wearing a dress to a party.

I don’t really understand non binary and still have identity issues Id like to learn about myself. I started developing body dysmorphia in my late teens I started skin picking, wearing heavy make up and binge eating. But now I have let go of my insecurity’s and have grown to love myself. I always thought I was transgender and would say I want to be a man, I am 25 now and I know I no longer have those feelings.

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